The Dangerous and Silent Drug of Codependency

Codependency |ˌkōdəˈpendənsē|

noun

Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

Most people see the above definition to codependency and think that this reliance on another person is the totality of this word. It is NOT! The term has been used to describe a weak, clingy needy person who is relying on another person. That is the least of the meaning of this term. Most codependent people are very strong, resilient people. They are used to taking on everyone else’s problems, running from one crisis to the next putting out fires and being the “hero” in everyone else’s lives. Many of them give and give until they can’t give anymore. They completely deplete themselves for the sake of caring for others. Many of them go completely unappreciated for all they give and their services to others are normally deeply undervalued.

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, coined the term, “Self Love Recovery” from his book: “ Self-Love Recovery, The Codependency Cure”, because at the baseline of this codependency trait is a lack of self-love. All the giving, doing and being is a feeble attempt to be or find love and validation from others because of the lack of love within self. This trait has been seen in the family members and loved ones of Alcoholics and is prevalent in Al Anon rooms but it can be seen far beyond the reaches of being affiliated with a person with an active alcohol or drug addiction in your life.

If you grew up in a home where love was a conditional thing and you felt you had to earn love and validation in your home, this can be the base of the codependency trait. If you felt like you had to be good enough to earn love, or you had to do enough you learned early that in order for you to be seen as valuable you had to perform. This then attracts people into your life that you feel you have to rescue, fix, change or help, keeping you in a toxic cycle of over giving and receiving little to nothing at all for all you give.

If you find that you have over extended yourself to the point of extreme exhaustion with no validation for your efforts you can become bitter, resentful, and angry. Many people stuff these emotions until that right moment then unleash them onto people who many times don’t even deserve the rage that they have received from the codependent. Most people don’t ever pay attention to the chemical reaction that goes on in the body of the codependent, like the high a person can get of adrenaline from rushing into a crisis. Because this chemical reaction is internal and the alcoholic’s or drug addict’s chemical is external, all the attention gets put on the person that seems to be the “problem person” in the mix while the codependent walks away looking like the hero. Truth is, the external addiction for the codependent is the person or people they rescue and the high is the chemical hit of adrenaline they get within.

Over time this chemical reaction and stress on the body can take a toll on a person. If the codependent never finds themselves hitting a bottom and doing some introspective work to pull out of this behavior, they can very well send themselves to an early grave even before the alcoholic.   However, the diagnoses for the codependent will never be called by its name. It will be called; heart attack, stroke, cancer, autoimmune disease and a plethora of other issues the body has taken on because of being over worked and stressed.

Codependents are the hardest people in the world to get through to because their deeds seem so noble. They see themselves, as the hero in their book. It is very seldom that they can truly be introspective enough to see that they are just as addicted as the person with an external chemical addiction. If you see yourself in this little blog, take a moment to do some introspection. Do you rush in to other people’s crisis on a regular basis to try to “help or fix” it? Do you get anxious or nervous when you are not in charge of fixing another person’s issues or problems? Do you give to others and get resentful when they do not acknowledge your sacrifice? Do you get a high when rushing into a crisis? Do you hold hostility because you have given so much of yourself with little return? If you can see yourself in any of these questions I invite you to please find an Al Anon group in your area and attend a meeting. You will find people just like you in the rooms and your healing and recovery can begin.

You are only as sick as your secrets so take the time to release them and get well emotionally. There is no shame in taking steps to your own recovery. It is in fact one of the most courageous things you can ever do for yourself. Until next blog,

Love, Peace and High Vibrations Family

The Dangerous and Silent Drug of Codependency

Codependency |ˌkōdəˈpendənsē|

noun

Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

Most people see the above definition to codependency and think that this reliance on another person is the totality of this word. It is NOT! The term has been used to describe a weak, clingy needy person who is relying on another person. That is the least of the meaning of this term. Most codependent people are very strong, resilient people. They are used to taking on everyone else’s problems, running from one crisis to the next putting out fires and being the “hero” in everyone else’s lives. Many of them give and give until they can’t give anymore. They completely deplete themselves for the sake of caring for others. Many of them go completely unappreciated for all they give and their services to others are normally deeply undervalued.

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, coined the term, “Self Love Recovery” from his book: “ Self-Love Recovery, The Codependency Cure”, because at the baseline of this codependency trait is a lack of self-love. All the giving, doing and being is a feeble attempt to be or find love and validation from others because of the lack of love within self. This trait has been seen in the family members and loved ones of Alcoholics and is prevalent in Al Anon rooms but it can be seen far beyond the reaches of being affiliated with a person with an active alcohol or drug addiction in your life.

If you grew up in a home where love was a conditional thing and you felt you had to earn love and validation in your home, this can be the base of the codependency trait. If you felt like you had to be good enough to earn love, or you had to do enough you learned early that in order for you to be seen as valuable you had to perform. This then attracts people into your life that you feel you have to rescue, fix, change or help, keeping you in a toxic cycle of over giving and receiving little to nothing at all for all you give.

If you find that you have over extended yourself to the point of extreme exhaustion with no validation for your efforts you can become bitter, resentful, and angry. Many people stuff these emotions until that right moment then unleash them onto people who many times don’t even deserve the rage that they have received from the codependent. Most people don’t ever pay attention to the chemical reaction that goes on in the body of the codependent, like the high a person can get of adrenaline from rushing into a crisis. Because this chemical reaction is internal and the alcoholic’s or drug addict’s chemical is external, all the attention gets put on the person that seems to be the “problem person” in the mix while the codependent walks away looking like the hero. Truth is, the external addiction for the codependent is the person or people they rescue and the high is the chemical hit of adrenaline they get within.

Over time this chemical reaction and stress on the body can take a toll on a person. If the codependent never finds themselves hitting a bottom and doing some introspective work to pull out of this behavior, they can very well send themselves to an early grave even before the alcoholic.   However, the diagnoses for the codependent will never be called by its name. It will be called; heart attack, stroke, cancer, autoimmune disease and a plethora of other issues the body has taken on because of being over worked and stressed.

Codependents are the hardest people in the world to get through to because their deeds seem so noble. They see themselves, as the hero in their book. It is very seldom that they can truly be introspective enough to see that they are just as addicted as the person with an external chemical addiction. If you see yourself in this little blog, take a moment to do some introspection. Do you rush in to other people’s crisis on a regular basis to try to “help or fix” it? Do you get anxious or nervous when you are not in charge of fixing another person’s issues or problems? Do you give to others and get resentful when they do not acknowledge your sacrifice? Do you get a high when rushing into a crisis? Do you hold hostility because you have given so much of yourself with little return? If you can see yourself in any of these questions I invite you to please find an Al Anon group in your area and attend a meeting. You will find people just like you in the rooms and your healing and recovery can begin.

You are only as sick as your secrets so take the time to release them and get well emotionally. There is no shame in taking steps to your own recovery. It is in fact one of the most courageous things you can ever do for yourself. Until next blog,

Love, Peace and High Vibrations Family

The Power of Authenticity

Look deep into the palm of your hand.  Have you ever considered the fact that the print of your hand is so unique it is used to identify you for certain government documents? In the world that we are living in today the uniqueness of an individual is becoming less and less important as more people strive to be like the current props of celebrities in western culture.  The value of our unique being as a human is slowing giving way to the growing technology, reality stars and celebrity culture. Everybody wants to be like someone else. I like to look at make up tutorials online and I am seeing a trend that make-up is not used as much to enhance one’s own unique features as much as it is now transforming you into someone else.   Everyone has the same brows, highlights and lips. It made me really begin to think about this thing we know as authenticity.

Perhaps a part of this merging into sameness has something to do with vulnerability.  It is much easier to try to blend in with the crowd than to stand out from the crowd if you are not comfortable with aspects of your own vulnerability.  I think a great read on allowing yourself to lean into this aspect of yourself is a book from Brene’ Brown called; ‘The Power of Vulnerability.” In it she explores shame and vulnerability and our ability to see ourselves in this position. One of my favorite quotes  by her is:

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” – Brene` Brown

It does take courage to go against the grain of what we have been programed to think feel or believe to live into who we truly are from the core. There is only one you on the planet. In my belief system I believe that each soul is here to learn various lessons on this planet as well as share the very authentic gifts that each one of us possess. However, more and more now people are looking outside of themselves for validation of self rather than exploring the various aspects of their own unique talents, gifts and abilities. The value of who we are is becoming diminished as we seek to “Keep up with the Kardashians” be one the “Housewives of Atlanta” and so on.

If celebrity culture isn’t the influence then people define themselves by the work they do rather than the person they are. I remember asking a man who are you? I was looking for answers as to who is this person I was talking to. Instead I got a list of things he did like the fact that he was a lawyer and worked as X law firm and had X degree. I then said; “if I took all of your titles and education away, who are you?” He was silent.  We are far more comfortable in our doing than in our being.

How often do you sit still and center yourself to ask yourself, “What is the unique quality of my essence that only I can share with the world.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).”  ― Mark Twain

When you begin to tap into the power of you it opens doors only you can walk through. You begin to realize there is no need to envy others because the world doesn’t seem so limited. You begin to understand that you live in abundance because what is for you is for you.  When your cup is filled with your own essence of love, life, talents, gifts and abilities you want to share rather that take from others.  Imagine a life where each of us truly understood the power we possess within our own being.  Imagine knowing that you are special just because you exist on the planet and NOBODY is like you. There would be no need to grasp for what other have, envy others and try to morph into someone else. You would know that you are filled to capacity with abundance and that overflow would be your contribution of greatness to be added to the planet.  Imagine knowing that the overflow you have is the legacy you were designed to leave the planet as a gift before you transition into the next dimension of life. I believe knowing that could pull people out of darkness and catch people from the brink of suicide.

It took me a while to understand this about myself. I would wonder why people would come around me and somehow leave happier as if they got something from me.  Sometimes this would happen and I would be left drained and didn’t understand why.  Over time I begin to understand the gift of my authenticity and began to fill my own cup first. When we don’t understand the gift of our uniqueness we leave ourselves vulnerable to the people who do and those very gifts within us can get misused and abused because we truly don’t know whom we are and what we have. I had to learn this the hard way. I have a deeper understanding now that my essence, my soul, and my authentic self is the biggest gift I can give to the world. By understanding this now, I am far less likely to allow myself to be mis-managed through ignorance. I am the gift. Who I am is the gift. And so are you. Take the time to explore who you are. Be willing to be different.  Be willing to stand out from the crowd. Allow yourself the time to get to know who you truly are, then shine your light brightly into the world. This world is waiting on you to be…YOU!